Back From The North!

My associate and I made it to Middlesbrough, and back again, in one piece.

In fact, it was a really ace weekend.

Really, really ace :D

Even though there weren't any dragons, which I was fully expecting, that far North... ;)

Adventuring!

It's raining SO HARD in Brighton again. I fear we may be swept away by the force of the downpour....

In fact, I *am* going to be swept away, because it appears that I am going on an Adventure to the North today, to watch men in red and white shirts kick a ball around on some grass and shout and cheer and generally pretend to be a BOY. I am leaving in about 30mins and I still haven't finished packing my suitcase. Hmmmm. I have made a packed lunch for myself and my associate though :) I am very proud of myself.

I shall let you know if I make it to Middlesbrough and back again when I return on Sunday...if I do return.... ;) Have a lovely weekend everyone!

SHG goes to The Infermary

On Tuesday morning I was rushed into hospital by my adorable housemate Miles because I was suffering from quite the most agonizing pain in my left side that I have ever felt. Ever.

After registering at the A+E department (yes, one has to register, even if one is about to keel over, going grey and sweating, like I was), we sat and waited til a nurse could see me, and then some time later, a doctor saw me. By this point, I was literally crying with pain, and actually getting quite scared that, well, that I might die. My vision was blurring, I couldn't hear properly and I couldn't do anything to alleviate the pain. The doctor examined me and finally announced that I needed morphine.

Well, fuck-me-sideways, that's obviously a diagnosis and a half. Give the girl some fucking painkillers. It did work though, I have to say, but only after a trainee doctor had abused my left arm trying to get the IV drip needle into it so they could administer said hardcore painkiller. Ouch. As an aside, when they finally removed it two days later, I saw that it was a whole 4 inches long. *Faint*

Their initial thought was that there was something wrong with one of my kidneys. In order to clarify this, they decided to inject me full of Iodine and then x-ray me periodically throughout the day to see how the liquid travelled through my system. Cue me having to change out of my own clothes and wear TWO hospital gowns. Oh, how sexy I looked. They also declared me Nil By Mouth until further notice. I was wheeled around between the X-ray unit and the CDU (Clinical Decision Unit) more times than I care to remember, all the while feeling very odd from the painkillers and my lovely housemate trying to keep my spirits up (but, as he has now told me, getting more and more worried as no-one seemed to know exactly what was wrong with me, or indeed, how they were going to fix me).

Eventually, they said to me - Miss Hall, your left kidney appears to be entirely blocked and it is not working. I thought I was going to faint. They then went on to tell me all the lovely and diverse things that they could do to fix me - the next day. That meant staying in hospital all night :(

The last time I had to stay in overnight was when I was 11 and had my appendix removed. I wasn't prepared for it really, but by this point, I didn't really care. Miles bid me goodnight (and Tom did too, bless him, thanks for the Dragonlance book!) and I tried to sleep.

Sleeping in hospital is a really, odd experience. I kept nodding off dispite the pain, being woken up to take more pills, being wheeled around, listening to people snore, trying to read, thinking that one of the nurses was my auntie, and then waking up in a whole new place altogether - Chichester Ward (When Miles showed up the next morning and was told that I had been moved to Chichester, he almost needed a bed of his own to lie down on!) I was told that I would need surgery/didn't need surgery/needed more x-rays. I decided to just let them get on with it.

The long and the short of this is - I apparently had a kidney stone, which has now gone, I didn't need surgery in the end, and I spent two bizarre days in hospital.

I will be drinking a lot more water from now on ;)

And what's the best way of getting over a traumatic hospital experience? Going shopping with your Mum, taking it slow and discovering that the T-Chest, your fave t-shirt shop is having a buy 1 get 1 free sale - so you end up with 3 t-shirts with hot naked japanese chicks on them :D Oh, and a new skirt....and a new bag...and the 4th Sandman novel...YAYNESS.

Now, Then...Tomorrow.

What was I doing on this day 5 years ago?

I'd watched open-mouthed for 5 solid hours with my housemates and friends as the coverage of the terrorist attack on the World Trade Centre towers unfolded on our TV screens. I felt shaky, sad and unsure of what the future held...

What was I doing on this day last year?

I'd just been caught out text-cheating on my boyfriend and I was sleeping on the sofa, while the drama of the end of my relationship unfolded around me. I felt shaky, sad, and unsure of what the future held...

What am I doing today?

I'm watching "The Path to 9/11" on the BBC, thinking of my friends and family, remembering the beautiful man that I'd been texting this time last year, musing on how much things change, and yet stay the same. I feel shaky, sad, and unsure of what the future holds...

Or do I?

No, I know what my future holds, and I know it will be OK. But now, just for now, I will cry, and find solace in my tears.

Tomorrow is another day.

Mon frere, mon ami

My brother has just driven away to go to University tomorrow - he's going to study to become a Marine Engineer.

I've become used to him being in the house this last month, he's been an invaluable friend, source of strength, a mirror in which to see myself and redress certain things I don't like. He's been my coffee-companion, someone to watch movies with and someone to cook for.

I wish him all the luck in the world, but I am really, really going to miss him.

Clean

Today, I have mostly slept, eaten some nuts and chocolate, and done the laundry.

It isn't much, but it's a start.

Clean bed-sheets are rather lovely.

Everyone Pretend To Be Normal...

My housemate Karen found a badge in the washing machine yesterday. We don't know who it belongs to yet.

It is yellow and proclaims:

"Everyone pretend to be normal"

It made me laugh so hard I almost fell over. I am going to pin it to my school-boy hat and wear it with pride

The way things happened...

He said: "You are beautiful"

She said: "So are you. I'm going to kiss you now"

..............................

She said: "I'm leaving him. I'm leaving him for you."

He said: "You are the most amazing woman I've ever met"

..............................

She said: "I need my space, I can't do this right now, I know I'll end up hurting you because I'm not mended yet..."

He said: "But I love you. I can't bear to be without you..."

She said: "Ok then..."

...............................

She said: "I really can't do this, I really do need my space, I really do know I'll end up hurting you, because I'm not mended yet..."

He said: "But I love you. I can't bear to be without you..."

She said: "Mais je t'aime tellement, mon couer est en train de briser, je ne sais pas quoi faire, mais je t'aime..."

..............................

He said: "I love you, but I don't know if I'm still in love with you..."

She said: "Ok then, lets go on a break..." (and inside the only thing taking a break was her heart...loudly, and messily, and with such turbulance...and she didn't know what she had, until he was gone...)

..............................

He said: "I love you"

She said: "I don't believe you"

..............................

He said: "I really do love you"

She said, without saying a word: "I still don't believe you"

...............................

He said: "I'm scared that you might be the one..."

She said, again without saying a word: "I think you might be too..."

................................

He said: "I really love you...who did you kiss while we were on a break?"

She said: "I love you too...but lets talk about this in the morning..."

.................................

He said: "I still love you, baby..."

She pretended she couldn't hear.

..................................

He said: "I can't deal with this anymore..."

She said: "........................."

She cried. A lot. He cried too. They both needed space.

She's sorry. So, utterly, unbearably, unutterably, soul-consumingly sorry. She misses him. She's living, she's alive, but she misses him.

She finally got her space to mend herself.

It's just that it is mighty lonely, surrounded by all this emptiness...and she realised that she needed him for all the right reasons, not the validating, self-gratifying ones...because he saw her for what she was, really, and that's what scared/intrigued her the most.

Myspace - or yours?

I'm pretty sure the internet is evil.

I think I'm addicted to it, but I loathe it as much as I love it, to be honest.

I can waste hours online, just STARING at things on the screen, reading and re-reading emails, looking at pictures...and MySpace. Oh. My. God.

It's like Friends Reunited on acid, or something. Everybody and his little sister, uncle and cat has a MySpace page. Ok, even I do - here. But it scares me a little. The way that people get in touch with you through it, either complete strangers or people you met once, or old school-chums. It also fascinates me, in a sick, twisted way...I don't like it, but I can't stop going there...it's car-crash self-elevation and validation/rejection at its very best. It's also potentially very dangerous too, emotionally, as you can link to friends of friends of friends, and see/read things that you would probably rather not...I'm drawn to it, and revolted by it at the same time.

Hmm.

Well, I'm dying my hair tonight and trying to rid myself of mad energy again, and then heading off out with housemates to celebrate The Shiny New Housemate Karen's Handing In Of Dissertation And Finishing MA! Woo!