100 things in 100 days...

In 100 days, I will be the rather exciting age of 30 years old. I'm genuinely looking forward to this; back when I was a student of 20, a clairvoyant I saw told me that by the time I was 30, I'd really know who I was. To be honest, although this my be a self-fulfilling prophecy, I think she was probably onto something and as such, I welcome this coming birthday with open arms. My 20s has been fun, mad, hard, exciting, heartbreaking and an all round Experience (it completely deserves a Capital letter!) and I'm looking forward to my 30s being a whole new Adventure!

To celebrate the countdown to the start of my third decade, I've decided to compile a list of 100 things which I would like to accomplish in the 100 days before my birthday. It's proving to be a little hard, as I've actually done quite a lot already, ie learn another language, live in a foreign country, fall in love, go white water rafting, to name but a few of my achievements. To be honest, some of these are things I've already done, in years gone by, but I'd like to do them again as an adult.

Anyway, I think I've done it, so here it is:

1) Write a list of 100 things to achieve in the 100 days before I am 30!

2) Use the exercise bike every other day - minimum 3 times a week

3) Get back to a size 14

4) Learn to knit something other than a scarf!

5) Learn to play a game I've never played before - a card game or chess...

6) Go to a city in the UK which I've never been to before

7) Get a new job!

8) Use Wii Fit every other day

9) Take a multi-vitamin every day

10) Continue with the http://solstice-to-solstice.blogspot.com/ blog every day

11) Read a new book every month

12) Get some dreads made and installed

13) Give someone a shave with a cut-throat razor

14) Get my 4th tattoo

15) Give up alcohol for one month

16) Blog at least once a week

17) Lose weight - a stone minimum

18) Start a knitting group

19) Take a dance class

20) Hoover my bedroom once a week - whether I think it needs doing or not :)

21) Visit the toy museum in Brighton

22) Visit the people I love and miss in Norwich

23) Attend a Torture Garden event in London

24) Remove dairy from my diet altogether

25) Have a photo shoot

26) FINALLY sort out the gubbins in my room which I no longer need/want/wear

27) FINALLY go to a car boot sale and rid myself of the above, and whatever does not sell, send to charity.

28) Volunteer at a local charity shop

29) Apart from regular trims to keep the ends neat and healthy, grow my hair out (but keep the undercut!)

30) Learn to use my hair curling tongs properly

31) Re-lace all my corsets correctly

32) Stop pretending that if I don't see them the show won't ever end, and watch the last 3 episodes of The West Wing

33) See both of my lovely cousins more often

34) Meet my second cousin Millie

35) Make home-made Sushi

36) Get another piercing

37) Start stretching up my left lobe

38) Plant a window box with exciting plants

39) Drink a green tea every day

40) Finish the scarf I started for Phil, finally

41) Do everything within my power to get Celia to have kittens again!

42) Watch Robocop!

43) Eat a twinkie for the first (and probably last) time

44) Meet Digital Femme!

45) Cuddle Phil for no less than 10 minutes a day (this was his request)

46) Teach Phil basic French

47) Send a message in a bottle

48) Make a time capsule to be opened 10 years from now

49) Join an extras agency

50) Go on a tour of the Brighton Sewers

51) Find a worthy cause and go on a protest march

52) Learn how to tie a tie

53) Smoke a cigar

54) Get my Etsy shop up and running

55) Do some yoga daily

56) Cut back on the amount of caffeine I drink

57) Come off my medication if my doctor thinks it is wise

58) Have a full health checkup

59) Visit an art gallery I haven't been to before

60) Drink more water

61) Drink a pint of real ale

62) Go to a live sporting event

63) Make a batch of jam

64) See my parents

65) Tell Phil I love him every day (which is a bit of a cheeky one, as I do that anyway!)

66) Perfect the vegan fudge recipe I found

67) Watch a sunrise over the sea in Brighton

68) Watch the sun set over the sea in Brighton

69) Visit a palmist

70) Go down the helter-skelter on the Palace Pier!

71) Attend a church service

72) Get a full body massage

73) Visit a stone circle

74) Take a walk under the full moon

75) Have a picnic on a roundabout

76) Polish/clean every pair of shoes I own

77) Read vols 1-3 of the Books of Blood

78) Learn to crochet

79) Build a sandcastle

80) Climb a tree

81) Do something completely spontaneous

82) Have an old-fashioned afternoon tea

83) Go on a trip where you turn left, then right, then left, then right an so on!

84) Get the bus to Devil's Dyke

85) Have a day trip to London

86) Go to the zoo

87) Start the New Year with a BANG!

88) Do a proper 3 day detox

89) Avoid losing phone or keys (yes, very good Phil!)

90) Visit a thermal bath somewhere

91) Buy a nice pair of high heels...

92) Learn to walk in these high heels

93) Have my hair crimped!

94) Visit a castle I've never been to before

95) Visit a cathedral I've never been to before

96) Make at least one contribution to the house in preparation for the Zombie apocalypse

97) Get at least 8 hours sleep a night - AT A SENSIBLE TIME!

98) Re-read any Shakespearean play which I studied at Uni but didn't get to appreciate

99) Get a pen pal in a foreign land

100) Celebrate my 30th birthday in STYLE!

I will revisit this post at my birthday and we'll see which of these I've managed to do and how well!

My January 2010 horoscope...

Your calendar overflowed with activity last month; so you didn’t get as much R and R as you would have liked. Take the first two weeks of the occidental New Year to nurture your own sweet self. Impose a strict personal curfew. Get a minimum of eight hours of shuteye every night. Cut back on coffee and cola. Boost your immune system with a daily multi-vitamin. Take a ‘mental health’ day from work and treat yourself to a long overdue three-day cozy weekend at home. Rent a couple of comedies. Start (and finish) that book you’ve been meaning to read. If you must travel, be extra vigilant until the 15th. Expect delays. If you drive a vehicle, don’t postpone tune-ups and oil changes. Double-check the spare tire in your trunk. Is it fully inflated? Or just barely breathing? Have you made your New Year’s resolutions yet? If not, don’t fret. Use the time over your long weekend to establish short and long-term goals for the impending, unpredictable Tiger year. Be prepared. The Tigers year comes bounding in on February 14th. Although planning isn’t a strong suit of Aries, now is the ideal time for you to hone this skill. Hasty action and poorly thought-out plans invite disaster in 2010. Also, be sure to include an updated budget that includes a ‘just-in-case’ fund. As the Ox Year comes to a close, maintain your momentum at work. Don’t take anything or anyone on the job for granted. Be on the lookout for potential business opportunities but avoid signing on the dotted line until after the New Moon on the 15th. Any ambiguities at work will become clear by the Full Moon on January 30th.

Sounds alright to me!

10 Books which I DEMAND you read - 2009

I have managed to read a great many books this year, thanks to being unemployed for the first time since I graduated. I read VORACIOUSLY. Sometimes I got my hands on a book which was so enthralling that I couldn't sleep until I'd read it all.

Looking back, a large majority of them were horror/thriller but that's because it's my favourite genre both book and film-wise, so if you're not a fan of the fear and chills this list may not be terribly interesting for you, sorry!

These, in no particular order, are the 10 books I have most enjoyed reading (or indeed, re-reading) in 2009. Homework for the next year is to read them yourself.

Rosemary's Baby - Ira Levin.

I loved the Roman Polanski film adaptation which I saw during my first proper Horror film infatuation in my teens but had yet to read the original book. I managed to get hold of a really nice second hand copy on eBay - a lovely green leather-bound edition of horror film stories from a long time ago. It's such a creepy story, beautifully written and very "visual" - it was one of the books I stayed up all night reading!

The Birthing House - Christopher Ransom.

Completely terrifying. A genuinely nasty ghost story written about the author's actual residence which was indeed a birthing house originally. Lots of "wait a minute, what the hell?!" and "oh my god, oh my god!!" moments. Equally, plenty of gore, disgusting sex and lots of death.

Cabal - Clive Barker.

I read this the first time when I was at school I think, borrowed from the local library and really enjoyed it. I found a copy this year in a discount bookstore and bought it as a friend had recommended Clive Barker to me as an author I needed to read (I've got Books of Blood vols 4-6 but haven't finished it yet, which is why it's not on this list, but they are ace). I'm so glad I bought it because I completely fell in love with it all over again. There's a film adaptation called "Nighbreed" which is...interesting but not anywhere near as good as the book so I won't suggest you watch it - just get the book and marvel at the darkness.

Abarat - Clive Barker.

BRILLIANT first novel in a series of 5, aimed at young adults, from the wonderful Mr Barker. Oh, how I loved this, and how I longed to run away there more than once and leave this world behind. I actually read the first and second of the novels (the third is out next year and I can't wait!) this year and was hugely impressed. There were plans to have them made into films under Disney management but (luckily) due to creative differences the project is not going ahead - quite frankly, they'd ruin it. The author's sense of the weird, wonderful, macabre and beautiful are all superbly mixed together and if you like him, I can recommend these books; if you haven't read anything by him before but like your fantasy and magic then I can recommend these books too. WAY better than Philip Pullman's Northern Lights stuff.

Angels and Demons - Dan Brown.

I have a powerful need to go to Rome now I've read this. It's the novel which comes before The Davinci Code in the time-line of protagonist Robert Langdon and it's cracking. Fast-paced and exciting, thrilling and a little unnerving. Whether you have faith in a Christian God or not I think it has a lot to offer and the characters are all well written and believable. I'd read this before seeing the film and while I enjoyed that (Ewan Mcgregor, how I love thee) I felt they'd left important chunks out. I honestly didn't really like TDC the first time I read it and if you were the same, don't let that put you off reading this. When I went back and re-read that one I enjoyed it a lot more...

World War Z - An Oral History Of The Zombie War - Max Brooks.

OK, I'll be honest, I LOVE this book. I got this in 2006 and I've read it over and over again. It's just brilliant and a complete must-read for anyone who likes the Zombies! First person accounts from the Zombie War, some heartbreakingly sad, others wry and satirical, some even hilariously funny - it reads which such authenticity that, as Simon Pegg comments, you worry that Max Brooks knows something we don't. I honestly can't recommend this book enough to fans of the genre, and am very happy to see that there's a film adaptation in the pipelines! BRAAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSS!!!

Breaking Dawn - Stephenie Meyer.

The fourth and (so far!) final instalment of the Twilight Saga - I don't care what you say, I love these books. I'm not going to waste time here explaining why I like them as I did that once before on this blog and I stand by what I said then. The final part explains a great deal, sees Bella and Edward getting married, having TEH SEX, becoming parents, and fighting (well, more or less) for their lives against the Volturi. Bella FINALLY becomes a vampire in rather spectacular "vampire-human-hybrid-baby vampire teeth caesarian birth" fashion and that's all good. Also, Jacob stops trying to rape her and finds someone else to love. No, I didn't buy my copy at midnight but I did by it in the week it was released :)

Nineteen Minutes - Jodi Picoult.

Thanks to my Mum working in a charity shop I get a lot of her books on a regular basis. I think I've read about two thirds of the work she's produced and some of it is good, some of it average and most of it has a genuine twist at the end. This novel, like so many of hers features court-room drama and characters which you vacillate between liking and loathing. But the main storyline in this is a school shooting in the same vein as "We Need To Talk About Kevin" by Lionel Shriver (which is utterly excellent and you must read) and it's this which gripped me. It's tear-jerking, heart-warming and it's easy to relate to the main characters. Good work.

The Bitch Goddess Notebook - Martha O'Connor.

A find in the local Oxfam Bookshop which I bought on a complete whim knowing nothing about the book or the author, but thinking it would be an nice, light, easy read. I mean, I'm not one for Chick Lit or "Holiday reads" but I thought this might be a nice change from the terror and the inability to sleep with the light off. It was that, but it was so much more. Gripping, bitchy, shocking and a real page-turner. Written for anyone who was ever an outsider at school and found the company of girls her own age a bore and a horror - which I was, and anyone who ever had a friendship bond so strong that you felt that nothing could ever break it - which I did (and still do).

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - J K Rowling.

What kind of Slytherin Head Girl would I be if I didn't read at least one of these a year? I've read them all several times over and then some (yes, even the 5th and least favourite of mine) and I'm still captivated from start to finish. Before the film was released this year (which was incredible - dark, angsty, genuinely scary and OH DRACO, what a beautiful young man you've become...) I re-read it and loved it. I don't need to say more on the subject, other than if you haven't read them we may need to rethink our friendship, OK?

FLIPPIN' TEA LEAF!

Some fucktard stole my phone from the Odeon last night after the last showing of St Trinians 2 - The Legend of Fritton's Gold. I left it in the cup-holder on my chair, and even though we called it, texted it (asking them to call Phil) and I went to the cinema today, no-one handed it in. It's pretty clear that someone has made off with it and is going to send it to Envirofone or somesuch for a bit of cash; it's an old Nokia and really wouldn't be any good to anyone but me!

CURSE THEM! May they have a rotten Christmas and a grotty 2010.

On the upside, the film was very funny - not as good as the first one, but boy, David Tennant as a bad guy and Gemma Arterton as the ex-Head Girl - SO HOT!!

Ma Vie En Photos

Introducing, my new project in blog form:

http://solstice-to-solstice.blogspot.com/

Merry Yule!

Dear friends - a Joyful Winter Solstice to you all! *raises a glass of mulled wine to your good health*

Winter Wonderland!

The snow started falling in Brighton at about 10.30 last night, and within about half an hour it looked like a Christmas card scene outside our windows. I went down to the front door and peeked out - the street was rapidly disapearing under the flakes. I hadn't seen snow fall and settle so fast in...well, I can't remember when!

Within minutes, myself, Phil, Barnaby, and Alfie and Bob who'd come over for the evening had thrown on coats, scarves and gloves and were outside in the street playing. It was amazing! Snow releases pretty much everyone's inner child so there were snow angels, snowball fights and general silliness aplenty! There was something incredibly magical about being out late at night in the falling snow, being some of the first people to walk across the park and play. We headed down to the Level and ran around like kids in Narnia! Speaking of which, the Park Crescent had pretty much turned into C S Lewis' imagined land - stunning. This time of year always reminds me why I love living here so much :)

The snow is still here this morning, but it is slowly melting in the winter sun. Luckily, Phil took some snaps and video with his iphone - and here it is!

Adieu, mon frere.

My brother is a complete and utter fucktard. People of the internet, never, EVER let me forget this fact.

That is all.

Good Things and Bad Things

My sleeping pattern is completely, utterly S.C.R.E.W.E.D.

I'm becoming more or less nocturnal for the best part of the week, and this really can't last because it's messing with my head, my medication times and, well, my life! I've had sleeping problems on and off during my life since I was a late teenager; I've tried so many different remedies but I've got to find a way to turn the pattern back on it's head. Attempting warm baths, yoga, herbal sleeping pills and FORCING myself out of bed at an early hour in the morning, no matter how tired I am. Lets see.

In other news: Phil and I had a wonderful 2nd year anniversary :D He bought me a wicked, handmade, one-of-a-kind Steampunk Raygun necklace (made by the very talented Barnaby) and a SIGNED copy of "Who Killed Amanda Palmer" - YAAAAAAAAAAY! He loved the engraved Zippo I got him; "our" band is Muse so I chose a lyric from "Supermassive Black Hole" which is a fave of ours - "You Set My Soul Alight" mwahahaha! We had a lovely night out and lots of yummy food and wines. Brilliant, love him so much.

In even more news, it appears that we AREN'T going to Dartmouth this weekend after all. Well, my parents may be, but I'm not. Apparently, my brother is being disciplined at the moment for a crime more or less undisclosed and this means he can't attend the Ball on the Friday and they haven't decided if he can attend the parade on Thursday (Hmm. We'd been told this was on Friday too...) I have things to do on Thursday so I can't get down there, and to be perfectly honest, I really don't want to go now. He's just upset things AGAIN and caused my parents to row with eachother and well, it's the same old story. *sigh*

And in final news for today a string of good things: I've decorated the Christmas tree, bought the cats shiny new collars, I've found several things I thought I'd lost, my lovely friend Rachel has just moved to round the corner, and generally, I'm very grateful to have such wonderful friends. Oh, and Mum's coming down tomorrow to go shopping with me. Ace.

November in brief, and a tale of an Ex...

Right.

Lets get down to business, shall we?

Time for a quick catch-up. I'm going to bullet point it, because to be honest, a lot of it is not very interesting. My life has blurred into one long day, more or less, since not working leaves me with very little sense of what day of the week it is. I also have a feeling I've lived some days twice, but I do know that this is because I'm awake in the early hours when Facebook or Google tell me something like "it's so-and-so's birthday today!" and it still says that when I come back to it after some sleep. Confusing. Not very good for my brain, or sanity I'll wager. Anyway, I digress.

What's been going on then? Here is November, in no particular chronological order:

• Well, I now sign on every two weeks and get my jobseeker's allowance paid to me, which is nice.
• I stopped eating dairy - milk, cheese, chocolate etc. Not eggs though, eggs are NOT dairy.
• I saw New Moon with Phil and Rachel, and it was AWESOMES.
• I've read a LOT of books recently.
• We had an epic and very successful Hallowe'en party!
• Brittonito got a Facebook.
• I bought an AMAZING 80's prom dress on eBay for £16.99
• My most heinous ex-boyfriend, Mark, found me on facebook. Actually, this desevres to be written about in full rather than just being left as a bullet point....

*jumps down to normal text*

Right, this was by far the most stupid thing I've done a long time. I blogged about this guy on my old wordpress blog:

"Exhibit B – Was 6’2 with the spikiest jet-black hair you ever saw. He had a gorgeous face and a hideous temper. He had his nose, eyebrow, ears and tongue pierced and a tattoo on the back of his neck and was Angstier Than Thou. I fell in love. My parents HATED him. I actually met this one in a chat-room online, so goodness knows what I expected to get out of it. I certainly wasn’t banking on getting laid for the first time and spending 18 of the most complicated, turbulent, passionate months of my life with him.

The End – He was my partner in crime throughout my spiraling depression in my late teens and I think he probably cried and stopped more than I did and yet ironically, he left me when he thought things were getting too “intense”. Seven weeks later when I was back on my feet more or less he came crashing back into my life and I let him spoil things again. All told, I had the break-up I always expected from my First Love – about 10 months of agony and slow recovery.

The Lesson – Don’t date someone younger, angstier or more pierced than you."

The words are pretty glib, and certainly don't describe the horror of the bad moments, which began to outnumber the good moments really quickly. He was emotionally abusive and extremely manipulative and I'm glad to say that once I finally got over him, I never dated anyone quite like him again.

Occasionally, I'd wonder about him. One of the last times I'd seen him in Norwich was one afternoon in the Castle Mall, he stank of whiskey and was looking rough. He was 20 then and was dating a 14 year old girl. Yes, really. He still didn't have a job. He disapeared eventually and I stopped seeing him around, which was nice. I honestly thought that he was either in prison, or dead.

Some weeks ago when Phil and I went down to Portsmouth for his brother's 30th I got a message from Mark via facebook. It was pleasant, polite, well writen, chatty. So I did the ultimate wrong thing and added him as a friend, because, well, I was curious. We exchanged news and it actually seemed like he had changed for the better - well, it's not like he could have got much worse.

Long story short, when he realised that I was friends with some of his friends, including the half sister he's just found, he freaked and suddenly blocked me. Bear in mind that this half-sister of his shares the Dad that he would tell anyone who would listen that he had sexually abused him as a baby before leaving his Mum. I think he was worried that I'd mention it to his sister and I doubt it would have gone down too well. Honestly, instead of saying something to me, like "don't mention my awful lies from my teenage years and my terrible behaviour" he just blocked me, and then set about poisoning her to stop her from being my friend too. GODS! It was so juvenile it almost made me laugh! But in all honesty, it did make me pretty sad too for a while. How sad that someone like him doesn't really change after all :( It also brought back a lot of the revolting memories of the lenghts I'd gone to to keep him and make him love me, which lead to some nasty nightmares. *sigh* Anyway, it's done and my life goes on rather wonderfully just the same.

In other, better news, I am attending the Passing Out Parade for my brother in Dartmouth on the 11th with Mum and Dad. He's approached them again and even called me to invite me, so we're going to support him. I'm going because A) if I don't, it will just make things uncomfortable, B) I quite fancy a trip to Dartmouth with my parents. I even get to ride on a steam train like the Hogwarts Express. I know, I know, it seems so stupid, but ultimately it's a positive step for him and it will be nice for him to have us there - to show him that we;re not the awful family he makes us out to be sometimes. I'm not going to hold my breath though, this might be another moment of clarity which gets ruined again. But I'm going to wait and see.

Finally, tomorrow is mine and Phil's 2nd year anniversary :D :D :D :D Love him SO MUCH.

I live!

I am still alive, I promise. I've just been too busy and too full of words to actually blog any of it.

10 Signs That You're A West Wing Addict...

1) You start to wish you had an older model Nokia phone so that you can have Josh's ringtone.
2) You think of your living room as your very own Situation Room.
3) You find yourself whistling the theme tune loudly. In a supermarket queue.
4) You wish you had Toby, Sam or Will to help you write any important statement you want to make.
5) You start to think that the Bartlet Administration was actually real.
6) As much as you love your own family, you really start to wish that the First Family were your family. Or maybe just that Toby was your uncle.
7) You can't listen to Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" without feeling sad for CJ and perhaps even crying a little bit.
8) When you end a conversation online, or on the phone, you have to stop yourself from saying "and that's a full lid" instead of "goodbye!"
9) You start trying to have "Walk and Talks" in your own home NB: This does not work if the only company you have the house are cats.
10) You introduce yourself to new people and follow that up with the phrase "I work at the White House".

These are my 10 anyway. Do you have your own? ;)

Petra

PS -

Phil's VW Camper (who we affectionately call Petra) is up for sale here so please go and have a look and spread the word to anyone who fancies getting a lovely vintage bus for a good price :)

Urban Family

So, after my last blog post which was full of hard truths and sadness, but this one will be full of joy and warm friendship.

This weekend just gone was one of the good ones.

Phil and I had a lovely day on Saturday just being lazy, reading and I indulged in some more episodes of my favourite West Wing. We went for a jaunt around town in the afternoon and decided it was too horribly crowded so we cut that short and sat on the seafront with a diet coke and a ciggy and watched the sun go down over the West Pier. It was lovely.

During that nice pause my lovely friend Hannah-May called and we discussed her bringing her little boy Gnarkill over for a playdate with Celia; Celia has been on the horn every few weeks and we thought it would be a good idea to reintroduce the two of them as the last time they met he was only 4 months old ;) We also decided that we'd head over to the Caroline of Brunswick for the Playground-Bang-Around Glam rock night being held by Simon Price and his lovely wife Jenna.

On the walk home, lady Becca texted to ask if we were out later and we arranged for her to come over for a drink at ours beforehand.

The evening was splendid. Just splendid. Phil guzzled some White Wych beers and I had red wine - Aldi rocks and the booze was well within our Social Budget for the week ;) Hannah-May and her fella Mike came round and Becca joined us. We sat around watching the cats, drinking

and chatting, admiring Becca's most awesome curly red and black dreads and generally making merry. Over to the pub to meet up with blog friends at our favourite pub and listen to some cracking tunes. The evening had such a great vibe; lovely chats and lots of laughs, new friends, old friends and great music. Here we all are:

So that was Saturday!

Sunday was even better, if that was possible.

Becca, Hannah-May and Mike came over to ours in the afternoon for Zombie shooting (the boys), cake making and hair-dying (the girls) and roast cooking (the boys and the girls). SO lovely. Becca shaved the side of Hannah-May's head and then I bleached the roots and drew on a leopard print in bleach on the shaved part. When she'd finished it with bright red it looked AMAZING. Tomorrow she's popping round in the afternoon and we'll put her dreads in and watch Repo, I'm really looking forward to it. Sunday afternoon was filled with laughter and the smell of ginger cake cooking, chats between like-minded people about Christmas and family and it was just ace. I honestly haven't been that contended and happy for a long time - I have the best friends and housemate and boyfriend and I am so grateful.

Bridge Over Troubled Water...

I'll warn you now, dear readers, I think this is going to be a long post. And a difficult post. I won't be offended if you don't read it or comment. When I first decided to blog this, I thought about writing it up in my private one, but actually I don't want to keep this to myself. I'm not ashamed of my family or the troubles we've had so here it is.

***

It's been a strange few days in my world. New things, old things, sad things, bad things, good things. A very mixed up set of emotions have been flying around my head.

I'm not going to bore you with the details about the confrontation with the insane neighbour (she doesn't want us having a Hallowe'en party!) or the epic clear out I've been having in my room, yet again (I found amazing Icelandic Christmas wrapping paper under my bed!) or even my amazing new Swear boots (a total bargain at £10 on ebay!). Nope, I'm afraid I am going to bore you with details of the latest installment of the trials and tribulations of My Family - most specifically, my brother.

Those of you who know me from the pages of this blog and/or face-to-face real life will know enough of the back story on this for me to not go over it again - but the very short, condensed version is this:

My brother is 31 months younger than me, we were close as children, grew apart as teens, fought as late-teens, and in early adulthood and then became fast friends again. We've shared a lot and been through many upheavals; he was always the one I talked to and I was always the one he sought out for advice and support when there wasn't anyone else. His relationship with my folks has been turbulent for several years (mine was too, but not only is that over, it's also another story. This one is about the youngest sibling, not me) and I've often found myself in the middle of things which has been hard, and sometimes on one side or the other.

The problem is as follows.

As the years have gone on, his transgressions towards my parents have become worse. There have been very harsh words, bitter recriminations, my Dad and he have even come to blows more than once - on one horrific memorable occasion, I had to call the Police :( He is capable of ignoring one, or all of us for weeks, even months at a time. He's the master of Cutting People Off. For 12 long months he didn't speak to me at all because we'd fallen out over his choice of girlfriend and I spent a lot of therapy sessions talking to Alice about him, crying, being angry and feeling guilty that I couldn't help him.

The trouble is, our family dynamic has always been a little...intense. We seem to be very good at shouting at each other and yet there's a very strong bond between us, a love that goes very deep. I have four stars tattooed in black on my right inner wrist that represents the four of us. I'd always thought that the bond we share was unbreakable...

Anyway, all this is muddied by both mine and my brother's mental health. Me, diagnosed with a long-term Anxiety disorder and clinical depression, him with varying diagnoses of Rapid Cycling Cyclothymia and Anxiety. It's made life hard for us, and for our parents who struggle to understand - especially my Dad. I sought help through medication and therapy; Jake sought advice, was prescribed medications which he elected to stop taking and hasn't had any regular therapy because he doesn't want it. He isn't getting any better. Slowly but surely he has alienated many friends and pushed my parents' patience to the very limit. It sounds at this point that I'm saying his behaviour is down to an untreated condition and in some ways it is, but frankly, it's an explanation of sorts, not an excuse. He knows where to get the help, he just won't.

My parents, and I, have forgiven his terrible behaviour in his early 20's, his drug-taking, his fights with my Dad, the months of radio-silence, the swearing and verbal abuse, the refusal to refer to my Dad as "Dad", the bad-mouthing of our family to his friends and friends parents, the refusal to allow my Dad to accompany Mum and I to court to support him, the lies, the half-truths, the deliberately missed birthdays and Christmases, slamming down the phone and the torrents of abusive text messages, blocking Mum on Facebook and so on and so on and so on... *sigh* They've given him more second chances than I've given the cats cuddles. They've taken him back into the family home more than once when he had nowhere else to go, fed him, supported him, lent him money, given advice. OK, we are not entirely without blame, I am sure, in his view of things but this is bordering on the ridiculous now.

This year it's started to get harder to just forgive him or put it down to his illness. About 4 weeks before my birthday in April we had a conversation where after a long time listening to him I urged him to try and put things with him and Dad behind him, move on. To act on what he's been saying he will do and do it, to get some help. To stop being the way he is, if he can. He put the phone down on me, and then immediately sent me text messages where he called me a cunt and many other horrible things. I forwarded them to my Mum and called her in tears over it. Shortly after this, they both went to see him at his flat and talked a long time with him; he cried and they cried and he asked them for help. Everything seemed to be better again and he was included in mine and Mum's birthday trip to see Les Mis which was an upheaval in itself. I was not happy about this because no-one had addressed the way he'd spoken to me and he hadn't apologised. Dad asked me to overcome it for his sake and Jake's, so I did. I never got an apology. I think that was an unconscious turning point for me because it seemed so...unjust. Especially after all the years of keeping his secrets and standing by him.

Not long after, when he called to discuss how much he hates Dad, or bitch about Mum, or a friend, or bend my ear about something, instead of letting him and listening with a kind, sisterly ear, I started telling him that it hurt me and Mum when he calls Dad "Bernard". He stopped calling as often. When I was signed off with stress earlier this year, he was made aware by Mum and he did call, but even then it was primarily to moan about his own issues and not offer me support when I needed it.

Anyway.

Some weeks ago, he was round at my parents house when another row started up because he didn't like the way they were offering to help him out yet again - he objected to the wording and the way my Dad looked when he offered to keep his motorbike at their house so that bailiffs who were chasing him on behalf of Carnival (they paid him a bursary for the uni course he started and never finished) couldn't seize it. This time, Mum really shouted at him. She wanted to know why he was always so ungrateful and so horrid to them and Jake stormed out. I heard about it from both Mum and Jake and that's when I put my foot down and said I didn't want to be part of this one. I'd had enough and frankly didn't have the energy for it anymore. Jake's decision as a result of this final confrontation was that he didn't want anything to do with either of my parents anymore. Again.

And now we come to the crux of the matter.

I was on the phone to Mum on Monday and due to a series of events, she'd had to get in touch with Jake about something important and he'd eventually called her from a payphone to re-iterate that he wanted nothing to do with his parents ever again. Through tears, Mum explained to me that recently, they'd gone to see their solicitor and got her to write to Jake to advise him that they'd cleared his debts, totalling several thousand pounds. They took the decision to do this because A) he's their son and they love him and B) the debt was registered at their address and they really didn't want a CCJ against them. My parents are senior citizens in their mid-sixties and they dipped into their very small savings to save his arse once again.

And the next time he speaks to either one of them, he says he wants nothing to do with his parents ever again.

Whether he's opened the letter from the solicitor or not, whether he knows what financial sacrifice they've made for him or not, it almost doesn't matter. He's still being a complete fucktard.

I resent him so much. SO MUCH. I hate what he's done to my family, I hate the fact that my parents have continued to love this young man who displays nothing but contempt for them. I hate the fact that my Mum worries herself silly over her son, that she calls me in tears over him. I want to call him and tell him, write him an email and demand that he stop treating us this way, but I don't know where to start...

I know I'll always love him, but I think I stopped liking him a long time ago.

While I was sorting through a drawer in my room I came across an old diary of mine. It spanned 2001-2003 (and interestingly stopped when I started blogging on 20six) and I started to read it. I was often one very angry young lady in those days and I marvelled at the number of times I use the word "fuck". The language I used about myself is harsh and angry too, which is probably another blog post, but what struck me the most was the things I describe my brother saying and doing - the taunts about my weight, the fights with my parents, the before-mentioned Police incident recorded just after it happened. I saw how unhappy I was about it all and how things hadn't really changed in almost a decade and that made me cry. I also found in the drawer a tape which he'd made me; when I was in my first year of Uni in 2000 my parents sent me a care parcel of cake, books and chocolate after I was dumped by my first long-term boyfriend and was utterly lost, and it also included this tape which he'd made. It was Simon and Garfunkel. I put it on my stereo and listened:

When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you're down and out,
When you're on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
Ill take your part.
When darkness comes
And pains is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silver girl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

I cried so hard, standing in my room in my pyjamas. "If you need a friend/I'm sailing right behind" - That's how we were, despite his insistence once in anger that we'd never been close. That's the brother I remember, who I loved and the one I will miss, every day.

I honestly don't know where to go from here.

Aldi

I've just applied for a job in Aldi.

Why not eh? The pay is good and the stores are nice :)

1st of October

It's OCTOBER! Yay! My favourite month of the year! No real idea why, I just love it.

It's Dad's brithday this weekend so I'm going down there on Friday to make him a cake and then we're going to the cinema on Saturday. It will be nice to see the folks :)

In other news, a friend on my Facebook feed has been talking about Mooncups again and it's making me think about the possibility of trying one. Anyone reading use one and care to give me their views on it?

Merry Mabon!

Have a wonderful Autumnal Equinox everyone! :) *raises a mug of cider to you all*

Bestival Top 10 - 2009

Oh wow.

Back from Bestival and my GODS it was an experience!

TOTALLY different to last year and yet still awesome. I have a suntanned face! GOFFICK FAIL!

If I was going to write a post about the whole weekend I think it would take me all day, so I'll have to resort to bullet points, much like last year!

Ok, so here are my Top !0 things about Bestival 2009, in no particular order:



1) The sunshine! Wow, it was brilliant! Hot, sunny and dry the WHOLE festival, a complete 180 from last year's mudfest!

2) The line-up on the Main Stage on Saturday. Absolute WIN. Goldie Looking Chain, Little Boots, Lily Allen, Kraftwerk - and in between this the Fancy Dress parade and a good old wander round the Fire Field and a chill in the shade.

3) The costumes. This year's theme was Outer Space and I think about 80% of the Bestival goers were actually in fancy dress - everything from extremely complicated and amazing outfits (Borgs, Clangers, Thunderbirds, Predators etc) to tin foil and glitter spray impromptu efforts! It was GREAT.

4) The unbelivably good Compost toilets, provided by Natural Event, which didn't smell, felt more like a real toilet, were painted funky colours and had more room than the traditional portaloos. We had a bank quite close to our tent, but it really wan't a problem. The queues also tended to be shorter for them because people hadn't quite figured out how ace they were.

5) The Main Stage being in a new location and at the top of the hill in the Outer Space field, meaning that wherever you were in that field you could either see the stage or one of the massive screens.

6) The 24hr Breakfast Bar right next to our tents. It seemed like a terrible idea when we first pitched our tent there in the dark, but like the toilets, in ended up being ace. Food and drink whenever we needed it, a great meeting point and tables to sit at.

7) Watching two guys do a very entertaining dance routine to The Flight Of The Conchords "Robots", just for fun.

8) The Come Dancing Tent, once again rocked although it ended up being too hot on most of the days. The Glam Rock band on the Friday night was absolute genius and we loved it!

9) The Magic Meadow, which had moved to where we camped last year. The random piano in the middle of the flags and the giant BESTIVAL sign were my particular faves.

10) The hovercraft there and back again! First time I'd ever been on one and it was so cool - less than 10 minutes to get to the island from the mainland and cheaper than getting the Fastcat!




There were a few downsides, sadly. The queues for busses and getting in to the festival were awful, the campsites were almost full on Thursday night when Jordy and I arrived in the dark and we ended up having to camp next to the biggest load of tossers I've met in a long time. Stupid Bestival first-timers who clearly had only come to get wasted in a field for 3 days, didn't understand the fact that it wasn't Reading, shouting all night, pissing next to our tents (although the wonderful toilets were only about 100 yards away), calling everyone in fancy dress "c*nts" and generally making a complete mess. Absolute f*cktards. Also, the arrival on Saturday of someone who was utterly unwelcome as far as myself and most of our group was concerned, which made things a bit uncomfortable and meant that we three spent most of the remaining festival without the others. Luckily everything else was so ace that these things didn't spoil the time there for us!

I think we'd go again next year, but would love to stay in one of the yurts or teepees or podpads or something, because despite the expense it would be so much nicer. Bestival is getting bigger every year - 5000 more people there this year than last year and with every year that goes by, it gets more and more popular and sadly, this means more and more twats. They were easy to spot though, they weren't in fancy dress and they were mostly swaying about holding cans of fosters. There were thefts and tent damage this year, more so than the previous years and honestly, I've done my share of festivals like that. Best start saving up! :D

09/09/09

Excellent date today :)

*Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Bestival time tomorrow!!

*Bounce*

Heehee, can you tell I'm excited! Oh yes indeed. I can't freaking wait! The House Queer (tm) is coming with us and it's a real first for him:

First time on a ferry
First time on the IOW
First time at a festival
First time at a live music event. EVER.

I know, I know, quite how he's managed to get through 3 decades without seeing live music is beyond me. I mean, it's not like he's a hermit recluse either, he goes out more than I do! I suspect he may be lying....

Anyway, it will be fabulous and even the weather looks set to be on our side this time. To be honest, provided it doesn't pour with rain like last year I'll be happy - and if it does, I'll be prepared with wellies and ponchos. It was brilliant last year even though it did rain! I don't know what this year will hold, I do know it will be totally different this time but I am excited none-the-less :)

I've just nipped out to get some last minute bits and bobs and have managed to come back with a fair bit of silver makeup (which was on offer - 3 things for a fiver!), some dry shampoo and silver glitter body spray. That last item is my personal fave - SO MUCH GLITTER!! I also have a bubble gun, some silver My Little Ponies and a lace parasol to take with me. Heehee, packing for Festivals is great :)

Right, I have to go and dye my hair

*zoooooom*

Gaybours For The Win!

Our new neighbours Olly and Damien are *lovely*

Really friendly, really welcoming, really a couple :D

In which I defend TWILIGHT

Something I have noticed recently is the number of people, especially in the "alternative/goth" crowd who are very open and very vocal about their apparent loathing of Twilight - the film and in some cases the books too; I say some cases, because I'm sorry, but I honestly do not believe that you read ALL FOUR of the novels if you really hate them that much. NO-ONE with any sense would spend that much time and effort reading books they claim to despise.

OK, so I fully appreciate that Stephanie Meyer's books are not for everyone and that the film is not adored by all; that's the beauty of subjectivity when it comes to art, literature, music, poetry and so on and so forth. However, don't just hate them because your little friend does. Why jump on the bandwagon of Twilight hatred simply due to the fact that you've heard that "sparkly vampires are gay" and you prefer your vamps from the Joss Whedon stable? Guess what, I LOVE Buffy AND I love Twilight.

Don't start with the "oh noes, it preaches abstinence and Christian morality" bollocks because I don't think that's reason enough to hate the Twilight Saga - Have any of you read The Chronicles of Narnia? Hmm? In fact, how about the large majority of fairy-tales and children's' stories? Infused with morals and dos and don'ts. And so what if Edward and Bella aren't leaping into bed with each other straight away, so what if he makes Bella wait to be married before having all Teh (headboard-breaking, feather pillow-destroying) Sex? Not-withstanding the fact that Edward was from a different age when being in the same room as a girl required a chaperone, it's actually NICE to see them showing some self-restraint.

The bottom line is, these novels are tales of romance, family loyalty, friendship, peril, depression, choices, love, humour and coming of age and if you insist on focusing on the seemingly popular reasons to dislike them, you are missing out. I'm a 29 year-old woman with a good degree in Comparative Literature and I can certainly see the appeal. So there.

Flat Watch - Part IV

Ha!

I finally met one of the new downstairs neighbours! :D

Becca and I were just leaving the house to go and see The World/Inferno Friendship Society at The Engine Rooms with a few others and as such were dressed rather splendidly. The nice chap came back up the steps after I bid him a cheery "hello!" and shook hands with me - his name is Olly and appears to be quite nice on first inspection. Apparently the other guy is called Damian and they've gone off to Greece for a holiday - they will be back soon and we'll see them then.

A quick mention about the band we saw - they were quite spectacular and unlike anything I've seen live before. Their current line-up includes Brian Viglione from the Dresden Dolls which made me very happy indeed. Absolute mad joy and lots of dancing - check them out on their Myspace or at a venue near you if you EVER get the chance!

Flat Watch - Part III

Well, we still haven't met them. When Barnaby and I went outside today they had already left for another load of boxes etc, so we will have to wait and see.

I did spend quite a lot of time peeking out of the window at them, curiously. They have lots and lots of books which I take as a good sign. Obviously, the books could be complete rubbish, but still, anyone who loves the printed word must have some redeeming feature, in my book (Terrible pun. Sorry.)

Is it really lame that I secretly really hope they are a gay couple? I miss my House Queer so much, it would be just dandy to have some new ones downstairs, sort of House Queers twice removed. MY ARMY OF GAYS MUST GO FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH! Mwahaha.

In other, non stalking related news, there's a BloggersANONYMOUS 20six Reunion going on in London this weekend and I am full of squeaky excitement about it. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Flat Watch - Part II

They've moved in!

I saw them shuttling things between a car and the flat this morning - the one thing I did notice was a large box of cables, much like the kind that Phil has for all his computery things.

First impressions - they do not appear to be gay. They look to be late-twenties, nice enough blokes, lots of DVDs (I spied the Lord of the Rings Trilogy in their collection), lots of cooking materials and so on.

Barnaby and I will introduce ourselves in a while when we venutre outside!

Exciting!!

Flat Watch - Part I

According to the large green sign out the front of our house, the basement flat has finally been let. It's been vacant since The Major, at the grand age of 90-something, left to live in a care home. After being entirely renovated (we know, it took weeks and was very noisy) it sat empty and waiting for a good long time, almost to the point where we thought no-one would ever move it and claim residence in the Crescent. But no! Apparently, it has been snapped up and we wait with anticipation to see who our new downstairs neighbours will be! Well, I do, because I'm nosey ;)

Will it be a couple? Gay or straight? A small family? A rich single guy or girl? Will they be nice or complete mentalists? Watch this space...

Congratulations!

My best friend Lird, one of 3 members of the UEA Mental Institute (tm) got married to her lovely fiance Chris at the weekend:

Full report to follow with more photos once they arrive on Facebook! The whole weekend was so fabulous that any blog entry without photos just won't do it justice :)

Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Thomas!

I <3 Vince, saviour of life as we know it.

I fell asleep this afternoon and dreamed that my wonderfcul cat Vince was sent to us from the future to help destroy an evil force which would rise in the next year, one which only he could save us all from.

It was a fabulous dream.

I love my Vinceh Kitteh. He's black. soft and very affectionate, nearly two years old and smells like an old library.

Here he is, chilling out with Fleepz, clearly plotting something.

Drowned At Pride

One of my favourite people, Lady Becca Doom celebrated her birthday on Friday and we went out for curry and gins. She'd booked a table at Planet India, a completely amazing veggie restaurant and it was brilliant - there were about 15 of us all altogether and there was much quaffing of wine and nomming of tasty curries! Becca LOVED her present: a Hello Kitty cuddly toy in blood-splattered scrubs and a handmade lollipop necklace in her trademarked red and black. I'd spent quite a while putting it all together for her and seeing her face when she opened the parcel made it all worth it - she almost cried!! We piled down the Caroline after eating for drinks and more carousing, and that's where Mark and Mickey met us - they were staying for Pride at our house and brought cupcakes to the pub! A great evening :)

After carefully watching the weather forecast for days prior to the 1st August, our worst fears were confirmed when the heavens opened at about 3pm on Saturday and everyone got DRENCHED. Mark and Mickey were dressed as sailors and Phil and I were Cyber Pirates!



At least the weather had held off for the duration of the Parade and much fun was had by all as we danced our way along the route and into the park. The day was lovely but much more subdued that previous years - I think the weather had a lot to do with it. Sadly, one of our lovely houseguests took a turn for the worst when she got really, really sick and as such we spent the rest of the weekend chilling in the living room watching cartoons - she has since been diagnosed with Swine Flu, bless her! So far we don't seem to have it, bit head-coldy but nothing serious thankfully! OINK!!

Banging.

I'm pretty sure the neighbours are playing some kind of loud, 90's trance type music. My next door, not downstairs neighbours. The terrifying criminal defence lawyer lady and her husband.

It hurts my head, so I'm going to play Muse really loudly and go out and buy myself a Pirate hat. It seems to be the only way forward.

Fangirl Joy

Draco Malfoy. He's just a bit hot.

Good morning class, and welcome to Harry Potter week :)

I say this, of course, because the 6th installement of J K Rowling's wonderful novels - The Half Blood Prince - is due to be released at the cinema in the UK on Wednesday 15th July - THIS WEEK!

*dance*

I am SO excited! I've just bought tickets for 4 of us to go see it on Thursday at the Odeon. Those of you who know me, won't need an explanation as to why I am quite so delirious about it, but my newer readers and general passers by might, so here goes:

1) I am The Head Girl of Slytherin. This came about after I belatedly got swept up in Potter-mania, a few months before the release of the 5th book in 2003. I was staunchly anti-Potter at the start due to being too busy being at Uni, falling out of love, getting drunk, misbehaving and generally thinking that Narnia was the only place for a kid to lose themselves. Then I got stuck in my ex-boyfriend's flat with tonsilitus for two weeks, and the only books to read which weren't a Welsh dictionary or philosiphy text-books were the gateways into the Potterverse. I read them. I ABSOLUTELY fell in love.

2) I always fancy the bad guys, so Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy and Draco Malfoy became my new idols. Even Tom Riddle (but not Lord Voldemort, I hasten to add.)

3) I'm a little bit insane, so anything which allows my imagination to run wild and lets me dress up and be silly is always a winner.

4) I love bookshops. Queuing for the midnight release of books 5, 6 and 7 were actually highlights of my life and fantastic memories. So many excited people in costume, sharing facts and favourite bits, eating sweets and drinking vodka and coke. Doesn't get more fangirly than that!

That just about sums it up, I think!

So yes, I'm a bit too excited about Thursday and seeing the new movie. It looks FAB:

THE LONGER TRAILER AT THE OFFICIAL SITE

Welcome To The Black Parade..

Tasks completed today:

Letters posted.
Hair dye bought.
Hair dyed.

I couldn't get the one I normally buy because apparently everyone in Brighton is going black. The one I did buy has done a rather good job though, no?


I look SO emo, I had to take some photos :P

Nothing to do with the fact that I spent the morning listening to My Chemical Romance of course.

Mid Week Ramblings

Here's another reason why The Daily Mail is a bunch of arse. Too old to be Head Girl at 23? Bollocks. I'm the Head Girl of Slytherin and I'm 29, damnit. And what about (I'm guessing) practically every TV show and teen movie where the actor is playing a character who is several years younger than their chronological age? I'm pretty excited about the St Trinians sequel if I'm honest, because I did rather enjoy the first one.

In other news, the lovely doctor I see at St Peters Medical Centre has signed me off again. 6 weeks this time. Oh yes, 6 whole weeks. Time to decide what I do and for whom, and enough time to hand in my notice and NOT GO BACK. Lovely Doc and I had a very long talk about everything that has been happening to me recently and she is of the opinion that I should not go back there. Obviously, she can't encourage me to leave my actual job, because that would be unprofessional (especially as it's going to be hard to find a new one...) but she does think that the job is contributing heavily towards my anxiety and general unwell state of mind. I agree with her. I still have to see Occupational Health - I was meant to go yesterday but this time they cancelled on me as their doctor was ill. Hopefully that will be soon because the waiting is unpleasant.

Besides all that stuff, there are some nice things going on too plus things to look forward to. We're off to visit some friends down in Fareham this weekend and the rumours are that this will involve a good old fashioned picnic, rock club in Southampton and a high-wire assault course. Shortly after that we have TG in Brighton again, my friend Lird's Hen Weekend in Norwich and Brighton Pride. All these good things are in fact what is keeping me going. Knowing that there are good things coming, combined with my lovely Dread Boy, my friends, my cats and my parents.

My Mum, coincidentally, is a source of minor irritation and majour amusement to me at the moment. She's on Facebook (I think I might have said this before) and has the internet at home now but she is struggling with certain bits of it - especially the photos. Hotmail too is a bit of a challenge ("Chloe, there's two emails in my junk box from [insert plausible sounding but fake names here], what shall I do? Shall I open them? Or would that be bad? Who are they from?") but it's the photos on Facebook which had her stumped up until today. I had to send her very clear Mum-proof instructions, which she still managed to write down in the wrong order, although why she copied them off the screen I don't know. She woke me up this morning by phoning to talk about the problems she was having with a photo album and then told me off because it was nearly 11am and I'd only just got out of bed - I'd been awake til 5am so hardly my fault I feel. The conversation went a little like this:

M - "Chloe, what do I put in the box where it asks for a photo album name?"
C - "Er, whatever you want to call it. You know, like, 'Paintings' or 'My friends' "
M- "Oh. Ok. What about the box which says 'Location'?"
C - "Well, that depends. Where were the photos taken Mum? Or you can leave it blank"
M - "Oh! I thought it meant the location where I wanted to send the photos!"
C - (sighs and laughs) "Oh Mum!!"
M- "Shh, don't laugh! Anyway, why are you still in bed? You were on your computer too late last night! It will keep you awake!"
C - (wearily) "Mum, I was on my computer because I couldn't sleep!"
M - "No, it will be keeping you awake! I'm 64! I know more about these things than you!"
C - "Yes well, I'm 29 and I know more about Facebook than you, so if you don't stop badgering me I will stop helping you!!"

Hah, that told her :P I wonder what tomorrow's query will be? I'll keep you posted.

On top of any IT-based assistance I might have to offer, tomorrow's tasks include getting a new phone sorted (I accidentally drowned my current one, apparently), buying hair dye (need to go back to black for a while) and posting letters. Exciting. eh?

Ghost Walks and Starlight Heart-to-Hearts

I currently have the CRAMPS of DOOM. DOOOOOOOM! Blah. It's too hot for this. I'm curled up in bed watching The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe while Fleepz prepares dinner in the kitchen - he is WIN. I love this movie, don't care what anyone else says. I'm feeling very child-like and needy today, and this films fits my mood perfectly.

So it's been a very up and down past couple of days and no mistake.

Good things followed by bad things in a very rapid cycle. Had a mini-breakdown on Weds night, which was timed beautifully with the epic thunderstorm we had down here. Hmmm. Good flashes of optimism and then very bad moments of total gloom. It's weird, and difficult to keep up. I'm going back to the docs on Tuesday morning and will be telling her all about it. I also have to go to the Occupation Therapist too at 4.30 - because, dear readers, I spectuarly failed at getting there last time through mis-timing how long I needed to allow for the journey and then having a panic attack at the train station. I had to call HR in floods of tears and they honestly didn't give a toss - that I was crying, that is. Ah well. Wankers. I've stopped being surprised now that they don't treat me like a human being. I'll go to the appointment on Tuesday and jump through their hoops and see where it gets me. I'll continue to apply for other jobs in the meantime.

On to more recent happenings: Fleepz and I went on a Ghost Walk in Brighton which was rather entertaining if completely un-scary due to it being broad daylight and there being many July 4th celebrations going on around town - for SOME reason. Why? We are not American! Silly!

After that, we ate at a veggie Indian where the staff were rude to us because we looked like freaks, so we got drunk and left a 5p tip. More red wine followed in the Pavilion Gardens and there was ninja weeing, free plastic cups from nice strangers, terrified seagulls and lots of cigarettes and good talks and jokes and all that good stuff. It rocked. It was well overdue and I'm glad we did it. Oh, and we also found an emo boy passed out under a swing on the Level and possibly saved his life. There was even an ambulance! That was cool.

It is still horribly baking hot in Brighton. But it's kinda nice.

One more thing! My dear friend James Newmalden married his Kentuckian lady yesterday! HURRAH! Many congrats to them both and wishes for a long and happy life together.

Insomnia...

I've been off work now since Monday.

I go through a few hours of calm, positive energy and then a few hours of absolute crippling fear and anxiety. Sleeping a lot seems to help, and playing with the cats. Going outside for a few hours is helping too.

I have to go and see the Occupational Therapist tomorrow, which should be massive joy. Ah well.

I did hear today that certain collegues of mine are pissed off that I'm off work and it's even been said that I'm on holiday. What a load of old bollocks.

HOWEVER.

A nice weekend with friends awaits me and this will be lovely.

New job please!

I want a new job.

Actually, scratch that, I need a new job.

My current job is just making me ill. Seriously. My Anxiety Disorder is getting out of hand and I need something which will not a) drive me insane, b) make me cry, c) give me nightmares, d) make me behave in an irrational and dangerous way.

EDITED thanks to YorksDevil pointing out my little mistake ;)

Closer...

Oooh, Nine Inch Nails, I do rather love them.

I was going to see them live with friends, but money gets in the way of such funs. I'm making do with watching videos instead:

Space Invader Breasts.

What the deuce is Twitter all about ? It still really confuses the pants off me. My Vincenzo has one, and he even has more friends than I do. NONSENSE I tell you.

Anyway.

It’s Friday! And I’m wearing my now-verging on famous Space Invaders vest. I can say this because it’s been “tweeted” about and there’s an applauded photo on Facebook too. Although I suspect that this may have something to do with the fact that you can see my “Boobsicles” in it (Thanks Sean!) That actually leads me on nicely to my next point.

It would appear, that thanks to a diet of strawberries and dark chocolate with a good side-helping of stress, that I am losing weight. *shocked face*

FINALLY. It’s only been MONTHS that I’ve been trying, and suddenly it seems to be happening.

We shall see.

Hopefully, my breasts won’t shrink too much as I really quite enjoy having them now!

Come Up And Try My New Parts....

I can't stop watching this.

I'm quite alarmed that I find Paris Hilton absurdly hot in it.

I feel unclean!

Love me, Hate me, Read me

I’ve been wondering if it is possible for me to start blogging again the way I used to.

There were several mitigating factors surrounding why my posts became more and more mundane, and then gradually stopped altogether.

The demise of 20six.co.uk (well, not so much demise as complete and utter change, which is to be feared) certainly did play a large part. It was like finding out that your boyfriend waxes his chest using your hot wax kit, or that you don’t fancy him anymore once he shaves his mohawk off – slightly disturbing and certainly superficial but incontrovertibly not for you. Everyone who used to be a 20sixer drifted. And that made me very sad. It just wasn’t the same anymore damn it all to Hell*stamps foot*

I guess there was also the personal stuff in my life too; I realise that I’d obviously been using my blog as a form of therapy and also for entertainment, recreation, excitement and validation. Mostly validation. At some point in 2006 the need for actual therapy took over, and seeing Alice at The Rock Clinic every week for 18 months removed a lot of the need to blog. Incidentally, how cool is the name “The Rock Clinic”? It’s more to do with “having a rock in stormy weather” type of thing, but it still made me grin.

Anyway. I know that good things do come to an end and that this is not always a bad thing. Sometimes goodbye is the only way. And to be frank, I met many good people and made some friends who will be, I beleive, with me for life. It's definately time for a reunion!

And I plan to start updating this blog on a more regular, if not daily basis, because I remember the feeling of having an anecdote to share and experiencing something where one of my first reactions was to want to blog about it, and I want that back.

20six, how I yearn for you.

I miss 20six.

I really, really, really miss it.

In July it will be 6 years since I started blogging and nothing has compared to our little community over there since. I feel a bit sad now, actually. You see, I've been in touch with some of the bloggers from those glorious days recently (I even went to see Jarvis with one of them on Monday) and I've come over all nostalgic. I actually scrambled around in my photo archives and found some wicked photos from a couple of "Blinks" that I went to (Incidentally, I really prefer the term Bloggers Anonymous. It just sounds nicer. And less weird) a few years ago and stuck them up on the 'Book. There were multiple comments on the photo album almost immediately! It even spawned TWO blog posts on someone elese blog! One of the photos was stolen! You know who you are, and you're a bad man :P

Ok, so we it was a fairly complicated little group with more intertwining relationships than you would have thought possible, but it was fucking good fun. REALLY good fun. Honestly, I'd get a serious hyper-manic high out of being around those people.

I think it's time to organise a reunion...

F*cktards!

So, it's been a complete f*cking nightmare since I last found the energy and time to blog.

Let me say it now - I hate my job.

No, actually, that isn't true. I don't hate the job, but I do despise the "managers", the whole, jobs-worth, spineless, little-hitleresque bunch of them. F*cktards. Work as a whole has been hyper-busy and the lack of managerial support has made it unbelievably hard to deal with. It's actually making me crazy.

On the look-out for a new position somewhere, if anyone knows of anything?

Join the Masquerade!

What a hectic, hectic week!

In fact, the last two weeks at work have been incredibly busy. Something to do with a combination of being one team member down for the best part of 3 weeks (first myself, then Barbara), a new telepone system to get to grips with, organising the mass return of one of our products, Infuenza Virus A (Swine flu!) wiping out most stock of masks, gloves, antibacterial sprays etc and a general increase of all orders - all this, and a normal day's work to be done too! We've all been doing overtime (unpaid I might add) and went in on our Bank Hol last Friday in a bid to keep on top of the work. It's mad. Don't get me wrong, it's also excellent as it means we are all needed, but at the same time it really is wearing us out. It's been non-stop. Week three begins tomorrow at 7.30am for me. Let's see how it turns out.

I also had a moment of extreme stress on Thursday night/Friday morning when I was presented with a letter at 3.30 informing me that I had a meeting with my team leader and HR to discuss the prolongation of my probationary period or the termination of my contract the following day at lunchtime! I was completely thrown. I mean, yes, I'm aware that my results, in line with the official Key Performance Indicator bollocks barometers, were not as high as I'd like or am capable of, but hey - I've been there 6 months and didn't receive the kind of training needed as already discussed in this blog and elsewhere. They've completely revamped the induction/training procedure now as (it turns out, but was unbeknownst to me at the time) they've had to extend the probabtion for 3 new starters now. The long and the short of it was that I've had mine extended too, but not after beinig made to feel stupid again. Ah well. Now I've got 2 months to show them.

ANYWAY! Enough of the work talk!


It's Sunday morning, 11am and I am sitting up in bed typing away, between getting up and doing a random job - feeding cats, putting on washing etc. I feel completly refreshed and happy though, as I managed to fall asleep at 9.30pm and slept right through til 9.30am this morning! *GASP* I had no idea I was even that tired to be honest. It's been a great weekend so far! Friday night was incredible. For starters, Phil came home with a massive bunch of gorgeous flowers for me! *happy face* He's lovely!

Then there was the incredible Dressing Up Box Cabaret! Phil, Dale, Luciano and myself ran out through the torrential rain to the station , jumped on a train to Hove and then went in search of Industrial House - a warehouse where Masquerade Costumes have a storage area, and where they were holding the first professional fancy dress party! It was sensational. THOUSANDS of items and accessories of dressing up delight, just about anything you could think of, people to help style you, a personal photoshoot and a few prints to keep afterwards, cabaret, burlesque shows, dj and dancefloor and a late license bar! TOTALLY brilliant. And all for the price of £7.50! I actually was in heaven. Phil put together a crusading knight outfit, Dale was Adam Ant as Price Charming, Luc was Cinderella's prince and I ended up being Little Red Riding Hood (after first being The Pope for a while. That was fun!) They are holding another one on 29th May, we are totally going again.

Yesterday Phil's Mum and Dad came over with his birthday present: A Wii! SO much fun! We walked through town, had a lovely lunch at JB's American Diner and then wandered back home through the Lanes. The sun was out and all was well!

Shoe love

I had a shoe emergency at work on Tuesday - my lovely red T.U.K kitty shoes cracked across the bottom completely and I decided, as I'd saved some pennies being away with my folks in France for the best part of two weeks that I'd get a new pair at lunch. Luciano, Agnieszka and I headed off to Vitas Shoes in the lanes and I bought these:




I love them! I vow to look after these ones better than the kitty ones, polish and everything. Ok, so I would have prefered green ones but the purple is hot.

Shoe love!