I am 30 years old.
I am unemployed.
I am without ambition or motivation.
I do not own a house or flat and am currently unable to pay the rent myself on the beautiful flat I live in.
I am not engaged, married, nor do I have any children.
I maintain a degree of sanity thanks to the medication I take daily.
I do not have a relationship with my own brother.
I should not be allowed control over my own finances.
I am addicted to cigarettes.
I am rarely comfortable in my own skin, in spite of my ability to show off.
I was, and always will be, a self-harmer in one form or another.
I crave validation to a level which cannot be healthy.
I will never be able to outrun some of my demons, nor come to terms with them.
I feel guilty about all of the above, sometimes often, sometimes rarely, but still, without end. I usually keep the feelings deep, scarcely even acknowledging them to myself. Sometimes they spill over.
This post was brought to you by the self-doubting, self-loathing, unattractive Angry Head Girl.
11 comments:
Hello kitten. I could point out some of the awesome things about you - like your ability to face up to and accept help for the difficult parts of you, your relationship with your lovely boyfriend, your self-awareness, your excellent way with eye make-up - but I think you know all those already, and I don't mean to dismiss how you're feeling now. I'm sorry that you're feeling stuck and down.
Can I ask why you feel guilty about what you've written? Because I don't see anything to feel guilty about. Things to work on and change in some cases, sure, but I feel sad that you would be beating yourself up about any of it. Did something trigger these feelings into spilling over?
I hope this makes sense; I am super tired. Lots of love and hugs xx
Strip out the "not married" and replace "addicted to cigarettes" with "dependent on alcohol and weed" and you've got how I feel a lot of the time.... *sighs and hugs much* Here if you need to talk.
Fox - As always, your words are fabulous and always cheer me up. Must come and see you soon xxxxx
Jack - So much love to you babe.
It's a lot better now, you'll be pleased to know. xxxxxx
I'm a ditto on 1,3,8 and 10. For 4 I can't afford to live anywhere other than a shitty room in a shared flat with no living room and a broken bed which is doing my back in, but that's North London for you. I never see any friends during the week (partly due to my expectation that they live like me - ie, hardly ever making any plans in advance - so they're always busy) and my wife is massively homesick, lonely and basically hates living in London.
All that said, last night I beat all-comers at Streetfighter 2 in a bar after seeing a Scott Pilgrim preview, so things aren't too bad ;)
Hello honey - I think I know who you are :) It's a sad state of affairs, isn't it? Love to you both xxxx
And somehow we still think you're smashing. There must be something about you that just makes us want to hug you.
You beautiful, honest girl. I love you a bit. x
Oh darling, as a fellow vice-ridden demon of Brighton I do understand the dark moments. But whenever you are feeling down you must always remember that you are a shining light in so many peoples lives.
****Love****
Oh my GOD. Your self-obsession makes me ill.
Get it together, sister. Your life isn't that bad.
Have running water?
Yeah. You're still in better shape than 1.4 billion people on the planet.
Jesus. Suck it up.
Whiny, entitled, self-loathing people are disgusting.
Wake up.
*sigh*
Hello Jacob - I'm sensing you're the latest "anonymous" comment on here. Good to see that you haven't changed!
Point 7 - make that something I'm actually grateful for rather than being unhappy about it, as I was, back in August.
Hoverfrog, Mickey and Phoenix - thank you, my dears. You are all wonderful, kind, sensitive human beings :) xxxx
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