On Strength, Survival and Breaking Hearts.

***WARNING - THIS POST CONTAINS CRAZY***

Many weeks have passed. Many things have changed. I'm going to try and put some of these into words.

So, the last time I posted, was the night before Phil moved out. Yeah, we'd been broken up for 4 months by then but when he actually left it just felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I haven't seen him since the 27th April and, I'm not going to lie, I still miss him something fucking awful. There are places I can't go to, both in my head and physically without stabbing pains in part of my chest. That's to be expected I guess - we were together for 3 years and it didn't end that well...

After that came me leaving the Crescent which had been my home for 5 years and not through choice I might add. The 4 week notice period was trying and tense and tear-jerking. I got through it with so much help from my Mum and several of my friends. I moved into my friend Lyndsey's on a temporary basis, my belongings and my whole life in storage and my cats staying with another friend.

I felt my heart breaking all over again.

After that came some other events which I really don't want to talk about but which I never thought I'd have to go through. Admittedly, I didn't go through it alone, but there's a part of me which will never, ever be the same because of it.

I felt my heart breaking all over again.

And through everything, I'm being told by people how strong I am, how brave, how I cope with things better than I realise. Well, yes, I cope because I'm still here. But I am sure as hell not as fucking strong as you think I am. I'm hanging by a thread, a tiny piece of me which holds back the crazy and the tears which are just there, behind my eyes 90% of the time. And when they do come, I'm dissolving into myself I'm crying so hard. Come on, I even stopped taking my Citalopram because I was feeling reckless, and at the same time brave and confused - especially when the numbing edge wore off and I got the surge of my own brain chemicals back again. But the natural comedowns? Fuckmesideways, really?

Strong? Coping? FUCK YOU. I'm distracting myself with unhealthy pass-times and people, clinging to situations which are damaging and generally reminding myself of myself almost 10 years ago. FUCK THAT.

The trouble is, the truth is, this is the refrain which plays out inside me a lot of the time:

"I'm tired of being the strong, rational one. I want to fall apart, break into a thousand shards of who you think I am. I want to disappear. I want to break. Stop fucking telling me I'm so strong because I'm not. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE STRONG. Brush me with your fingertips and I'll fall, spiral off and away into the abyss..."

Everything explodes into a bright red, internal scream.

........................

And then I'm OK again. The crazy moment passes and I'm breathing. I remind myself that "Cela aussi passera" - to the point that I got it inked into my skin last week. "This too, shall pass". It will, I know it will, I know my problems are temporary and only relative in their seriousness to me. In the meantime, these things keep happening which make me feel like my heart is breaking, I'll put a band-aid over it and work out how to keep going.

And I will keep going. Even if I have to go back on my medication to do so.

Because although I am not as strong as you might think, although I shouldn't have to be strong, one thing I do well is survive.